My Letter to the Old Man in the Church who Assumed that We Don't Discipline Our Son

My mother who was helping me take care of my sons earlier when we went to Mass was approached by an old man and asked, "Are you this child's grandmother? Where is the father of this child? You should tell his father to discipline his son!" My poor mother was stunned and embarrassed at the same time. But she managed to apologize to the old man for whatever disturbance/inconvenience my son has caused during the Mass and told him that the boy just turned 5 years old.

 

I only learned about the incident when we got home because I was seated in another pew with my younger son. My parents and eldest son were seated at the back of the church because my father is disabled and my son is hyperactive. I was seated near an aisle a bit far from them.

 

I was disappointed and angered at the same time by this old man's comment. What was he thinking? Did he assume that my husband and I do not discipline our son? Why would he say such harsh words?

 

Since, he did not talk to me, I've decided to simply write to him through this blog.

 

Dear fellow parishioner,

 

I have a number of questions I'd like to ask you. How I wish you can answer them so that I would be enlightened.

 

Did your mother also bring you to church when you were still little?

 

Did she tell you stories of how you behaved when you were my son's age?

 

Do you know the expected behavior of 5-year olds? Are you aware of the attention span of kids this age?

 

Do you also have a son? If you had a son, were you also a hands-on father? Or did you pass on the raising and caring of your son to your maid, nanny or wife?

 

Did you also bring your son to church to go to Mass? Did you teach him how to behave in church or worship services? Did you serve side by side your son in church or in other religious gatherings? Did you teach your son how to pray formula prayers? Did you teach your son how to pray spontaneously? Did you pray with your son and teach him how to pray the rosary?

 

What discipline methods did you use to raise your son?

 

I have more questions...

 

Do you know that we have tried many strategies and techniques in raising and disciplining this child?

 

Do you know that we have even consulted experts?

 

In case you have a son, is your son a gifted child?

 

Do you understand the nature of gifted children especially gifted little boys? Do you know that they have special needs and that they are not the typical kids?

 

Do you know that we've been spending around a hundred thousand pesos each year for his occupational therapy to help us teach him proper behavior in different situations? Do you know that we've been doing this since he was over 2 years old?

 

Do you know how many books, articles and web sites I have read just to learn more about giftedness?

 

Do you know the sacrifices that my husband and I make to raise godly kids?

 

Do you know that I gave up my career just to prioritize my family and be the one to care, raise and discipline my kids? Do you know that I don't pass on my responsibility of raising my kids to maids or yayas/nannies? Do you know that I teach my kids every single day of their young lives? Do you know that part of our daily lessons is about proper decorum in church?

 

Do you know that one reason that my husband and I chose to homeschool our kids is because we want to prioritize values and character formation in our children over emphasis on academics?

 

Do you know that if my husband will answer these questions (Did you also bring your son to church to go to Mass? Did you teach him how to behave in church or worship services? Did you serve side by side your son in church or in other religious gatherings? Did you teach your son how to pray formula prayers? Did you teach your son how to pray spontaneously? Did you pray with your son and teach him how to pray the rosary?) that I earlier asked you, his answer would be YES?

 

Do you know that although you are not happy to see my son in church because he does not meet your expectations of a well-behaved child, there are people in our parish who are sincerely happy to see him in church every day? Do you know that there are parishioners who are inspired to see a little boy like him participating actively in his own unique way in the Mass?

 

Do you know that though he sings quite loud, responds to the commentators and lectors loudly and prays very fast, he's doing all these because of his love for the Holy Eucharist and for God? Do you know that he sings not only with his might but with his heart and soul as well? Do you know how happy he is to go to church every day? Do you know that he looks forward to worshipping and singing to God?

 

Do you know that it breaks my heart to bring him at the back of the church or outside the church when he starts to fidget and become hyper because I know that he simply is a high intensity child that's why he acts that way?

 

Do you know that one of this child's dreams is to be a priest someday? Do you know that he also dreams of becoming a worship leader or a preacher?

 

Do you know that this boy already knows how to pray formula prayers and he prays these prayers daily? Do you know that he has been teaching his baby brother these prayers as well and he been successful in doing that? Do you know that this boy not only prays for himself or his family but intercedes for others?

 

Do you know that one of the things he looks forward to during Mass is donating money to the church?

 

Do you know that this child has been singing in the choir and participating actively in church services since he was 2 years old?

 

Do you know that he has been joining our family in outreaches to the poor?

 

Do you know that we practice with him in the house just to teach him how to sing appropriately in church?

 

Do you know how many times I remind him each day how to behave during the Mass?

 

Do you know how much I struggle to pray while I do my best to keep my two young sons "behaved" during worship services?

 

Do you know that one reason I bring him and his younger brother to church when I attend daily Mass is because I want them to practice proper decorum in church as early as now and not when they are already teenagers or adults?

 

Do you know that one reason that families like us with small children sit at the back pews or near the aisles is because we want to have easy access to exits so we can brings our kids outside when they start to become noisy or when they are not "well-behaved"?

 

Do you know the verse in the New Testament where Jesus rebuked his disciples and said, "Let the little children come to me?"

 

Do you also know the verse in the Old Testament where parents were asked to come to the temple even with their nurslings?

 

Do you also know the verse in the Bible that says, "Thou shall not judge?"

 

Do you know that it would have been better if you simply said a prayer for this child of mine and for me and my husband instead of walking up to my poor mother who was simply helping me care for her grandson?

 

Do you know how difficult it is for my mother to watch over a hyperactive little boy given her age and damaged knees? And have you not noticed that she is with a disabled old man who can hardly walk who happens to be my father and the grandfather of this little boy?

I know that your answer to my questions is that YOU DON'T KNOW. WHY? Simply because you are NOT GOD. You are not even a family friend. (And you are not one of my blog's followers! ;P)

 

I really hope that next time, you'd think twice before walking up to someone to tell or ask him/her to discipline his/her kid or granddaughter/son. I hope that if in case you choose to walk up to someone with a child that's challenging to handle, you'd opt to speak a word of encouragement instead. That if you don't have anything good, helpful or upbuilding to say, you'd just keep your mouth shut and choose to intercede.

 

I hope and pray that church servants like you (YES, he is a church servant! He is an usher/offertory servant - one of those who help collect donations during the Mass.) would be given trainings on how to handle these kinds of situations in church.

 

BIG, BIG, SIGH.

 

Bottom line, I want to tell you that it's hard to parent kids. I don't know if you are a parent yourself. I don't know if you were also given this beautiful privilege that comes with a big responsibility. And I dare say that it's doubly hard to parent kids with special needs or kids that are not the typical kids. Unless you are a parent who has a gifted son or raised a gifted son successfully, I don't think you have the right to tell me or lecture me or my husband on how to parent or discipline our sons. Sons, yes, because our youngest is also showing signs of giftedness. And just like his older brother, he also likes to sing his heart out to God during Mass even though he's not yet two years old. He also likes to participate by imitating the responses and he's unable to respond together with the congregation most of the time. But you know, I'm proud of my sons even though they are not typical and even though they do not meet the expectations of people like you. I'm proud of them because even at a very young age, they have great love for God and they yearn to be in His presence and to worship in His temple.

 

So, will I stop bringing my kids to Mass? No. I will let them practice for heaven. I will not deprive them of the opportunity to start here on earth what they were envisioned by their Creator to do in heaven for all eternity.

 

My prayer for you is that you'd find peace and that you'd be able to encounter God in the Eucharist even in the midst of "disturbances" like us.

P.S.
A friend once shared this post from Huffingtonpost.com. It made me cry the first time I read it. After I shared this blog post in one of the Facebook Groups I'm a part of, another mom shared this article once more in reply. It brought tears to my eyes again. So, if you are a parent with young children like me and you experience similar challenges like we have, I highly recommend that you read this post: Dear Parents with Young Children in Church.

Note: I'm linking this post to the Catholic Bloggers Network November 2013 Monthly Link up Blitz.